The Vulnerable Truth

Today is my 32nd birthday, and in celebration I would like to share the excerpt below which goes with a video I created back in 2009 while I was traveling the globe:

Suddenly, I am no longer the larva that spun a fortress of silken solitude while watching the world from an inverted slumber; a slumber from which I transcended my old self.

As when day turns into night, and night turns into day, this metamorphosis of light and dark will change the way, the path, and method by which I walk…or fly.

My transformation, this process of growth and evolution, I was not aware of until that last moment when bursting from my shell I realized that I had vibrant wings with which to soar.

And into the sky I flew with ease, a dancing expression upon the breeze.  My flight was not a taking to the air with wings and gliding without care.  It was a feeling, not an action.  It was a weightless communion with the wind; a balance between above and below.  I moved effortlessly with a ready response to each moment like a feather fully surrendered to the whims of the wind.  Like this, I took flight.

And with the passion of the Phoenix whose song is filled with fire, I am born into this world forever burning expression and sharing warmth within my flames.

No fear resides within my heart, within this open spark.  I am a messenger of unsaid thoughts, of emotions yearning to be heard.  I am the ray of light that into flesh is burned when at the peak of loves expression my wisdom can be heard.  I am alive!

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Relaxed and focused, cupid slings his arrow.

He draws it back, and takes careful, careful aim,

for between love, and passion, lust and longing

the path is very narrow.

 

Ah, yes, his target now in sight;

a young female, seeking happiness in life.

The poor thing, so stressed and in such strife,

but soon this amour-tipped arrow’s sweet sting

will carry her through the night.

 

Poised and ready, he lets it go,

and with striking aim his arrow enters

and as her heart beats faster,

so does its tender serum flow.

 

And now, Cupid spots his second mark.

A young man, whose heart is filled with passion.

Another arrow flies from cupids grasp;

a burst of cascading sparks,

as the man is filled with loves flame upon his gentle heart.

 

Cupids work here is complete,

for the sequence, he has now set to motion,

and these two must take a leap,

and trust the spell of cupids potion.

 

Will you be my Valentine?

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We speak of unity, of connection, and of one world, and yet our understanding of this holistic approach is based on comparison and judgment of the condition of the world as it is.  Let us start from there, from this place in which we begin to judge.

Judgment occurs whenever two or more things are compared.  Thus in every reflection, in every preference or opinion there is judgment.  And that’s ok.  We are each unique and have qualities that define our individuality.  This variability is what makes each moment, each encounter, a discovery of something new.

What we must understand is that our individuality is simply an expression of something deeper, something that came before the “I” or the “me”.  This deeper foundation, this canvas upon which we paint, is the unity of which we speak when seeking to connect all things.

Imagine the ripples of the ocean, the waves that rise and fall, and see these as the expressions that create individuality.  Each wave, unique, and independent, and yet at it’s depths it is fully connected, fully integrated and part of a far greater whole.  Can we begin to move into the depths of ourselves, into the ocean that unites us all?

Let us begin to understand what it means to see each other as expressions of one another.  Let us begin to hold hands with the awareness that we were never not holding hands.  Even in our judgments and our relative perspectives we are still standing as one vibration with many voices.  If we begin to acknowledge this, our vibration, the summation of all our energies begins to harmonize, and what a beautiful symphony it becomes.

And it is time we sing together of this Universe; this one song.

I bumped into an invisible box today, and when I turned to walk the other way, I realized the box was all around me.  Although its wall I could not see, its presence was undeniable.  There was a pressure I could feel; a constriction that wrapped itself around me like a python whose strangle steals away my last breath.  It’s simple to recognize this invisible imprisonment, for it always appears as the dark shadow of expectation.  To expect of myself, or to be expected of, and immediately I am confined within the walls of my own created fears.

Yes, this invisible box is built of expectations, assumed responsibility, and the mortar of self-doubt.  My freedom is given up when I allow these pressures to affect me; to control me.  What liberation might I discover if instead of trying to meet expectations, I choose to be responsible for only that which I truly can be?

It occurs to me, that most expectations are an unconscious demand that someone or something else is responsible for my happiness.  And yet, it doesn’t matter what someone else does, for it is always on me to receive life via my own perspective and response.  Thus, it is my choice to be happy or not.  Expectation becomes an excuse not to take responsibility.

When we interact in the world with expectation, we are requesting more from the world or ourselves than we are giving, and this is out of balance. Thus, justice and freedom from our expectations go hand in hand.  When we are conditioned by expectation and overwhelming responsibility, the justice in our lives tilts and we find ourselves imprisoned for reasons outside of our control.  Where we do have the ability to respond (or response-ability) is in choosing to commit only to those things we have real effect upon.  Those things are always related to ourselves.  We have real power over our own happiness, but not real power over another’s happiness.  We have real power over how we interact with one another, and we have real power to realize when we are committed to an expectation, an assumption, or a fear that falls outside of our reality.

I build this box around me because I forget I am in control of only that which is inside the box.   And when I embrace myself, surrender to the reality of what is, the box disappears, and unhindered by invisible walls I now have the ability to respond in a greater way in the world around me.

“It was like feeling a dark cloud had suddenly come over the skies.”

My friend was right, for when my heart closed it was not just my love I stopped sharing, it was also the ability to feel love and that felt like a shadow looming over me.  We can create amazing beauty or we can create devastating destruction – and it has everything to do with how open our heart is to recognize love; not receive it, not give it, but to simply recognize it within ourselves and within others.

It began to rain today.  And I know my heart is not fully open.  And yet, I feel confident it is opening deeper than it has before.  I discovered something about myself recently, something hidden so deep it could not be found by thought or meditation, but rather it took the deep angst of heartache to bring to the surface.

My girlfriend and I, after more than a year of deep growth and connection, have separated.  And although the break up is not a mutual consent (I asked for it), we are agreed upon the intention –it is for the discovery of love.

I saw her a day after we parted at a gathering of mutual friends, and I sat with her to tell her I was scared.  That I was scared because I realized that she was supported, and so was I, but for some reason I was choosing to deny that support.  I was choosing to punish myself for not having “loved” her as I felt I should have.  And all the while, she just kept offering her love, she just wanted to hold me, and I kept denying it…and what scared me was the realization that I believed I was not deserving of that Love.  In some dark place within, I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved.

When you decide to drop the blame and judgments, and really look at what is being triggered within, you find deep hidden secrets that you’ve been telling yourself.  Places of shadow where you have not dared to look, because you have assumed they are unfixable, unhealthy, un-lovable.

And when I brought light into that place of darkness, I began to see things.  I began to realize my fears were ungrounded and imaginary.  I began to embrace that I am not worth loving, nor am I worth loving, but rather I am LOVE.  I came to see, that beneath the facade with which we interact in public, and beneath the cloud of doubts, fears, and mistrust, there is an essence – formless, unconditioned, and complete – and here in the Beginners Heart, I am Love.

When I looked upon her now, into her eyes, I saw that same place in her; one of endless beauty, power, and absolute acceptance.  I saw the Love within her.  And I realized I could not give her love, she could not give me love, but rather we could be the love within ourselves and from that place we could touch and hold each other deeply.

…This lasted for 2 days.

There is a mold within many relationships that we often do not see.  The spores are small but spread quickly, and they are called attachment.  The mold is composed of fears, doubts, and mistrust…it is the cloud that covers our true heart and true connection.

And like rebellious children who take antibiotics only until the symptoms have ceased, and not for the duration of the prescription – she and I had stayed apart only for the time until we felt the fears and emotions had been cleared.  But the prescription offered to us was for longer, and so when we believed the mold was clear, the attachments gone, it was just too small to see.  And within two days, it grew back with vengeance, and what was an idyllic love turned quickly again to triggers, blames, and disappointments.

And it is raining.  I know I am not fully in the place of my deepest heart yet, where I feel Love.  The rain clouds are a sign of this and the intention remains to discover Love, the love within.

I will admit, the path is not well lit, and each footstep requires trust.  I see my intention, this Vision of Love, as a lantern to guide my way.  And I know that I am on the right path, because I can feel the fears and doubts creeping up from all sides attempting to knock the lantern from my hands.  And just past all of them is that place of purity I found once.  And maybe it will rain for awhile, but in the end the skies always clear, and the rain will have washed away the doubts and fears.

Then, from that place of clarity, of light, we can discover Love again.  Not with each other, but with ourselves.   And when you can love yourself fully, when you can fill your entirety with light and acceptance…no mold can grow there.  And no clouds will block the Love.

Shall my words fill the depth of your emotion,

 

rising like a wave upon the ocean of your soul.

 

And by metaphor, shall your soul be nourished,

 

held in the embrace of written words.

 

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Should my heart close to the fragrance of a flower that blossoms near it?

What sweet nectar might be missed, if lips will not drink for fear of spilling love?

Deep inside, I moan for anguish of a heart that has denied itself far too long.

Such sweet gifts placed at the doorstep of my spirit, and I for fear of worthiness,

Pushed away the very drink I’d struggled to obtain to quench this drought deep within.

 

So what false face of hard protection might I drop to realize the desire of my affection?

It is the face of denial, of self-imposed unworthiness.

Let me drop this mask and breath…deep into pores that did not know what air could nourish them.

What torrents of rain and wind cloud my mind and fill my eyes?

I am soaked from heart to soul with the raindrops of my cries.

And when the lightning strikes, I see lies, omitted truths, and minds

That have kept hearts from being heard.

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“I’ve been having an affair,” I said to her, as we laid in bed.

“But with whom?” she asked.

“Well, when we make love, and my lips are pressing against your smile, they long to kiss your eyes and softly touch your cheeks.

And my fingers that lose themselves within your hands, are craving the soft skin of your breasts, and remembering the sweet caress of your elbows.

And my feet that dance below sheets with your ankles, desire the playfulness of your toes.

My nose that feels warmth against your neck also gets high on your sweet scent.

And your hips that flirt seduction warm my blood and heat my core.

And I wonder how such perfect creases and curves exist outside the gates of heaven?”

She smiled at me and said,

“Because this is heaven we are in, and you are the Angel of my affair.”

 

I began 2009 as Darshana Atman, the silent nomad touring around the world, and I closed the year as Rodolfo Young – Holistic Escort.  Now that is what I call a year of transformation!

I admit now, that my world trip, while on the surface was about learning from healers all around the world, was at its depth about rediscovering myself.  And after  7 months of crossing borders, moving in and out of reflective silence, and meditating against the backdrop of every random space I could sit in, I found a piece of what I was looking for about myself in the strangest of places…in someone else’s eyes.

In these eyes I saw the part of me that was vulnerable, powerful, scared and yet inspired by the unknown within me.  I saw the parts of me I was hiding, the parts I was masking, and the parts I was boasting.  And I saw the parts of me that I rarely offer love to; the parts I thought were weak, insignificant, or taboo.

And what she offered me was her presence that seemed to say, “if you’ll meet me here, if you’ll stay present, I’ll feel your Love, and give you mine.”

And over the next 9 months, together with her, I began to really see myself – my strength, my doubts, my fears, my joys, and in all of it to observe with curiosity…to see where I became tense, and where I relaxed; where I hid feelings with humour, and where I hid humour with seriousness.

I returned to my birth name – Rodolfo.  I shed the spiritual name of Darshana, allowing it only to remain as a memory of what is true at my core being, and what can be embodied at my human being.

I returned to San Diego, revisited some old roles, and quickly found they no longer fit…the trip, the relationship, and the time away had changed me…

My heart remained the same, my drive and purpose the same…what changed, was my focus and perspective about how I get to best share my gifts and expression.

I don’t want to try to figure out the business of taking my passions and making them my livelihood anymore.  No, I’ve decided to let someone else do that for me.  I’ll still do the work of course, but why not let someone else show me how to run the business.

So, I hired a Business Coach – Max Simon.  And aside, from being a great friend, Max has now launched me toward a six-figure income.  After my first retreat with him, I was able to effectively raise over $10,000 in new business, find who my ideal clients are, understand what price would most benefit them, and create conscious magnetic marketing that inspires.

Enter – the Holistic Escort.  Well, actually that title had already come to me during a meditation in Germany.  The whole idea of “escorting” someone back to their wholeness and holding them in that light and brilliance truly inspires me and allows me to use all the skills and talents I’ve cultivated over the years.

And my most significant realization of 2009, and what I am committing to in 2010 – I realized that the part of me that loved to travel, that was ok living on a shoestring budget and having only a backpack to my name…was really just a small percentage compared to the part of me that yearns to have a home.  I want and will have a home filled with love and warmth and inspiration.

The year has begun…and so have all the manifestations.