The Vulnerable Truth

You’ve seen it all when you’ve seen a Thai monk riding a jack hammer and breaking concrete in his orange robes…mindfully.

My 10-day stay at Wat Rom Poeng near Chiang Mai, Thailand was a great journey of introspection, insight and mindfullness traps.  And with most journeys of this type it began with massive resistance, for we often resist that which could change us most.  First I resisted the lack of structure and guidance, the rituals and mandatory offerings of lotus petals and incense, and later when instructions were given I resisted the lack of freedom and expression, and the lack of connection.  All were simply my mind resisting, looking for a way to avoid the simple practice that had been given – Be Mindful.

For in that mindfulness, the ego-mind was slowly being revealed, exposed and made vulnerable to awareness.  For 9-10 hours a day I sat cultivating awareness and observing my thoughts, my sensations, my breath, and my identifications.  The monastery offered plenty of opportunities for mindfullness – from the mangoes that dropped like canons from the trees, to slippery door mats, white clothing and colorful food, low doors, and the foreign liason monk who consistently reminded us of our practice with the words, “knowing, knowing, knowing…”

In my meditations, I watched the speed of my mind to label sounds and sensations as they hit my ears and skin.  I heard construction in the background.  I felt the wind of a fan or the sting of a mosquito.  It all felt real to me…until I actually posed the question – “What is Real?”

It came like a lightning bolt slashing through my mind –  the realization that maybe it wasn’t construction, maybe it wasn’t a mosquito,  and maybe the pain I felt in my low back from sitting wasn’t really “pain” at all.  For all these things were labels my mind used to categorize and later evaluate from, deciding whether this or that was good or bad.

In asking the question, “What is real?”, I stopped the mental process of evaluation and labeling, and simply recognized that hearing had occurred, that touch had occurred.

I opened my eyes and began to walk around the monastery, unable to hold back a smile that recognized now that seeing was occuring, and not of anything, but of everything.  The labeling caused things to separate, be divided, but when you just recognized seeing, than you also recognized the Beauty of it all together.

I could feel my heart radiating just as brightly as my smile…for again now feeling everything at once as one instead of the division of this interpretation of touch here and that interpretation of touch there, brought a sense of connection of love.  For love is the essence of connection, the bond that ties it all.

Each step I took flowed forth from me as if my feet were being carried and placed, no longer controlled by muscle, but instead dancing with the elements.  And here I experienced grace, surrender, and peace.

So, my discovery in mindful practice is that the mind will find label and explanation for the expressions of life, but the reality beneath it all is a wholeness we call beauty, a connection we call love, and an experience we call grace.

“Knowing, knowing, knowing….”

 

I was once very much against goals.  I used to say that the goal-oriented mind was like being on an escalator forever stepping back to see where you are going – thus never reaching anywhere.  This philosophy went well with my Buddhist doctrine of  practicing presence.  It worked for me, for a long time…until I got distracted, was no longer present AND refused to get focused by setting goals. It was not a conscious refusal, but more of a deep belief and resistance to putting expectation and pressure on myself.

This became a problem, because not setting goals also became an excuse not to live my potential.  I argued that I did not need to set goals, as I had nothing to prove (or more likely, I was afraid of being proven unable).

Well, at the beginning of 2012, as part of a workshop exercise, I made a goals list of 100 things I want to do within my life.  And I committed myself to that list.  In the past 2 months, I have been rocking that list, checking things off like crazy – including learning to do a press hand stand as seen in the video below.

So, what changed?  I realized that goals are not the problem, but rather our attitude and intention behind them is what dictates their effect. It is a distinction between goals to prove something and goals to create something.

How can we know from which intention we are making goals.  I have outlined below some good rules of thumb:

Goal to Prove Something:

• You become stressed
• You feel pressure
• You are afraid of failing
• Accomplishing the goal has no on-going benefit

 

Goal to Create Something:

• You feel empowered
• Everything is in flow
• You feel supported
• Success is inevitable
• Accomplishing the goal builds foundation for the next

 

Let your goals be an expression of the potential you know you have within you.  Know that you do not need to achieve things to prove this potential, but rather you can simply recognize it, and let it create amazing experiences in your life.

Today is my 32nd birthday, and in celebration I would like to share the excerpt below which goes with a video I created back in 2009 while I was traveling the globe:

Suddenly, I am no longer the larva that spun a fortress of silken solitude while watching the world from an inverted slumber; a slumber from which I transcended my old self.

As when day turns into night, and night turns into day, this metamorphosis of light and dark will change the way, the path, and method by which I walk…or fly.

My transformation, this process of growth and evolution, I was not aware of until that last moment when bursting from my shell I realized that I had vibrant wings with which to soar.

And into the sky I flew with ease, a dancing expression upon the breeze.  My flight was not a taking to the air with wings and gliding without care.  It was a feeling, not an action.  It was a weightless communion with the wind; a balance between above and below.  I moved effortlessly with a ready response to each moment like a feather fully surrendered to the whims of the wind.  Like this, I took flight.

And with the passion of the Phoenix whose song is filled with fire, I am born into this world forever burning expression and sharing warmth within my flames.

No fear resides within my heart, within this open spark.  I am a messenger of unsaid thoughts, of emotions yearning to be heard.  I am the ray of light that into flesh is burned when at the peak of loves expression my wisdom can be heard.  I am alive!

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Relaxed and focused, cupid slings his arrow.

He draws it back, and takes careful, careful aim,

for between love, and passion, lust and longing

the path is very narrow.

 

Ah, yes, his target now in sight;

a young female, seeking happiness in life.

The poor thing, so stressed and in such strife,

but soon this amour-tipped arrow’s sweet sting

will carry her through the night.

 

Poised and ready, he lets it go,

and with striking aim his arrow enters

and as her heart beats faster,

so does its tender serum flow.

 

And now, Cupid spots his second mark.

A young man, whose heart is filled with passion.

Another arrow flies from cupids grasp;

a burst of cascading sparks,

as the man is filled with loves flame upon his gentle heart.

 

Cupids work here is complete,

for the sequence, he has now set to motion,

and these two must take a leap,

and trust the spell of cupids potion.

 

Will you be my Valentine?

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We speak of unity, of connection, and of one world, and yet our understanding of this holistic approach is based on comparison and judgment of the condition of the world as it is.  Let us start from there, from this place in which we begin to judge.

Judgment occurs whenever two or more things are compared.  Thus in every reflection, in every preference or opinion there is judgment.  And that’s ok.  We are each unique and have qualities that define our individuality.  This variability is what makes each moment, each encounter, a discovery of something new.

What we must understand is that our individuality is simply an expression of something deeper, something that came before the “I” or the “me”.  This deeper foundation, this canvas upon which we paint, is the unity of which we speak when seeking to connect all things.

Imagine the ripples of the ocean, the waves that rise and fall, and see these as the expressions that create individuality.  Each wave, unique, and independent, and yet at it’s depths it is fully connected, fully integrated and part of a far greater whole.  Can we begin to move into the depths of ourselves, into the ocean that unites us all?

Let us begin to understand what it means to see each other as expressions of one another.  Let us begin to hold hands with the awareness that we were never not holding hands.  Even in our judgments and our relative perspectives we are still standing as one vibration with many voices.  If we begin to acknowledge this, our vibration, the summation of all our energies begins to harmonize, and what a beautiful symphony it becomes.

And it is time we sing together of this Universe; this one song.

I bumped into an invisible box today, and when I turned to walk the other way, I realized the box was all around me.  Although its wall I could not see, its presence was undeniable.  There was a pressure I could feel; a constriction that wrapped itself around me like a python whose strangle steals away my last breath.  It’s simple to recognize this invisible imprisonment, for it always appears as the dark shadow of expectation.  To expect of myself, or to be expected of, and immediately I am confined within the walls of my own created fears.

Yes, this invisible box is built of expectations, assumed responsibility, and the mortar of self-doubt.  My freedom is given up when I allow these pressures to affect me; to control me.  What liberation might I discover if instead of trying to meet expectations, I choose to be responsible for only that which I truly can be?

It occurs to me, that most expectations are an unconscious demand that someone or something else is responsible for my happiness.  And yet, it doesn’t matter what someone else does, for it is always on me to receive life via my own perspective and response.  Thus, it is my choice to be happy or not.  Expectation becomes an excuse not to take responsibility.

When we interact in the world with expectation, we are requesting more from the world or ourselves than we are giving, and this is out of balance. Thus, justice and freedom from our expectations go hand in hand.  When we are conditioned by expectation and overwhelming responsibility, the justice in our lives tilts and we find ourselves imprisoned for reasons outside of our control.  Where we do have the ability to respond (or response-ability) is in choosing to commit only to those things we have real effect upon.  Those things are always related to ourselves.  We have real power over our own happiness, but not real power over another’s happiness.  We have real power over how we interact with one another, and we have real power to realize when we are committed to an expectation, an assumption, or a fear that falls outside of our reality.

I build this box around me because I forget I am in control of only that which is inside the box.   And when I embrace myself, surrender to the reality of what is, the box disappears, and unhindered by invisible walls I now have the ability to respond in a greater way in the world around me.

“It was like feeling a dark cloud had suddenly come over the skies.”

My friend was right, for when my heart closed it was not just my love I stopped sharing, it was also the ability to feel love and that felt like a shadow looming over me.  We can create amazing beauty or we can create devastating destruction – and it has everything to do with how open our heart is to recognize love; not receive it, not give it, but to simply recognize it within ourselves and within others.

It began to rain today.  And I know my heart is not fully open.  And yet, I feel confident it is opening deeper than it has before.  I discovered something about myself recently, something hidden so deep it could not be found by thought or meditation, but rather it took the deep angst of heartache to bring to the surface.

My girlfriend and I, after more than a year of deep growth and connection, have separated.  And although the break up is not a mutual consent (I asked for it), we are agreed upon the intention –it is for the discovery of love.

I saw her a day after we parted at a gathering of mutual friends, and I sat with her to tell her I was scared.  That I was scared because I realized that she was supported, and so was I, but for some reason I was choosing to deny that support.  I was choosing to punish myself for not having “loved” her as I felt I should have.  And all the while, she just kept offering her love, she just wanted to hold me, and I kept denying it…and what scared me was the realization that I believed I was not deserving of that Love.  In some dark place within, I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved.

When you decide to drop the blame and judgments, and really look at what is being triggered within, you find deep hidden secrets that you’ve been telling yourself.  Places of shadow where you have not dared to look, because you have assumed they are unfixable, unhealthy, un-lovable.

And when I brought light into that place of darkness, I began to see things.  I began to realize my fears were ungrounded and imaginary.  I began to embrace that I am not worth loving, nor am I worth loving, but rather I am LOVE.  I came to see, that beneath the facade with which we interact in public, and beneath the cloud of doubts, fears, and mistrust, there is an essence – formless, unconditioned, and complete – and here in the Beginners Heart, I am Love.

When I looked upon her now, into her eyes, I saw that same place in her; one of endless beauty, power, and absolute acceptance.  I saw the Love within her.  And I realized I could not give her love, she could not give me love, but rather we could be the love within ourselves and from that place we could touch and hold each other deeply.

…This lasted for 2 days.

There is a mold within many relationships that we often do not see.  The spores are small but spread quickly, and they are called attachment.  The mold is composed of fears, doubts, and mistrust…it is the cloud that covers our true heart and true connection.

And like rebellious children who take antibiotics only until the symptoms have ceased, and not for the duration of the prescription – she and I had stayed apart only for the time until we felt the fears and emotions had been cleared.  But the prescription offered to us was for longer, and so when we believed the mold was clear, the attachments gone, it was just too small to see.  And within two days, it grew back with vengeance, and what was an idyllic love turned quickly again to triggers, blames, and disappointments.

And it is raining.  I know I am not fully in the place of my deepest heart yet, where I feel Love.  The rain clouds are a sign of this and the intention remains to discover Love, the love within.

I will admit, the path is not well lit, and each footstep requires trust.  I see my intention, this Vision of Love, as a lantern to guide my way.  And I know that I am on the right path, because I can feel the fears and doubts creeping up from all sides attempting to knock the lantern from my hands.  And just past all of them is that place of purity I found once.  And maybe it will rain for awhile, but in the end the skies always clear, and the rain will have washed away the doubts and fears.

Then, from that place of clarity, of light, we can discover Love again.  Not with each other, but with ourselves.   And when you can love yourself fully, when you can fill your entirety with light and acceptance…no mold can grow there.  And no clouds will block the Love.

Shall my words fill the depth of your emotion,

 

rising like a wave upon the ocean of your soul.

 

And by metaphor, shall your soul be nourished,

 

held in the embrace of written words.

 

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Should my heart close to the fragrance of a flower that blossoms near it?

What sweet nectar might be missed, if lips will not drink for fear of spilling love?

Deep inside, I moan for anguish of a heart that has denied itself far too long.

Such sweet gifts placed at the doorstep of my spirit, and I for fear of worthiness,

Pushed away the very drink I’d struggled to obtain to quench this drought deep within.

 

So what false face of hard protection might I drop to realize the desire of my affection?

It is the face of denial, of self-imposed unworthiness.

Let me drop this mask and breath…deep into pores that did not know what air could nourish them.

What torrents of rain and wind cloud my mind and fill my eyes?

I am soaked from heart to soul with the raindrops of my cries.

And when the lightning strikes, I see lies, omitted truths, and minds

That have kept hearts from being heard.

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